I wrote this last fall, but it seems fitting with turning 49 yesterday.
Even more fitting that all of our kiddos are embarking on new seasons of their own. Gavin even bought a cowboy hat yesterday with a new bed set for his new apartment in Wyoming.
I hope when winter eventually catches me, that those who know me, will remember the integrity in which I try so hard to cultivate... I think I may forever be a lone leaf clinging to those I love and all that I believe in.
Here's to whatever season you're living in your life right now!
This morning I stepped outside to a crispy chill. The sun, raising later, going on 8am, makes me feel weary. Still the beauty of this morning's sunrise was not lacking. I wish I had time to go somewhere with my Canon to photograph the stunning display of God's artwork. It is quiet without the songs of the summer birds filling the air and I watch my breath form in a cloud before me. The view of our street is stunning in the golden glow of the season. Fall just looks so damn good on this world!
Have you ever marveled at the relationship with nature and, how it so ironically symbolizes our own humanity? Birth, growth, change, strength, frailty, beauty, balance, purpose, resilience and death?
When I was young, Fall was my favorite season of all! I thought of her like fireworks, the grand finally of her summer where all the leaves painted themselves into a spectacular show. I loved everything about the season; the cooler weather where I could slip into sweaters and thick hoodies, sip on a cup of cider and sit fireside. I didn't acknowledge the coming of winter and the coldness and darkness soon to follow.
Decades later summer is my choice. I love to feel her sunshine on my aging bones. I love sitting on my porch surrounded by ferns and flowers and the glow of fireflies. Fall feels all too familiar to me, as if I am the season herself. My childhood was spring, motherhood was summer. Here I am at fall, not nearly sunset.
Recently I heard that if you are young, you look forward, but if you are old, you look back. How true. In all my years I have never wondered more about my future or spent more time in my memories as I do right now in the fall of my life.
Social media post things like "Fall is going to show you how beautiful it is to let things go." There is some truth in that, but in this season in my life, I am reaping the rewards grown out of seeds sown in my past because I hung on.
A storm was brewing on my way to work yesterday morning. The leaves were raining from the trees in masses, swirling in chaos. It reminded me of people and how they react to the hard things in life. At the first sign of trouble they are out of there. They let go because everyone else before them has too. They let go because they don't want to be left behind and worse, alone. Not me, I will forever be that crinkled colorless leave clinging to the integrity of the things I breath for.
So much of life is just one mundane Tuesday relived over and over until a storm comes, or a season changes and you have to adjust. I've always admired those who seemingly let things go and ride off on the breeze with wild abandonment. I wonder when they land in the pile of everyone's good intentions and empty encouragements, do they see how far they have fallen and regret letting go?
A storm came to redirect me nearly a decade ago. Looking back it was a perfect storm because it landed me my grown-up job, it aided in my kids becoming better humans, I learned invaluable lessons, and it solidified a relationship that is now nearing 2 decades of seasons.
When you can hold hands with the same person who has seen you in your youth and grows old along side of you, that is worth holding onto. When the sum of all your hard work lands you a job with purpose, that to is a gift you gave yourself by having integrity and faith in the unknown.
It is hard to share these vulnerable happiness in my life now, because I am always waiting for life to blow me down. In some ways this is inevitable, no one gets out of here alive. Still I want to remember this time in my life where I am living the answered prayers of my past. Maybe fall looks good on me too!
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