Tuesday, November 10, 2015

Letting Go

It has been a year ago today that we said goodbye to our Grumps. Still as sad as it was 365 days ago. Missed! Loved! Cherished!
We all did our own little things to honor our missing loved one. Us girls, released a balloon and watched them float upward and away.
Hoping that he knew we were thinking of him. Hoping that he has seen our new Lizzy. Hoping he knew how much he is loved and missed!

Each of us girls had a story about how upset we were about accidentally losing a balloon as a child.
At our small ages, it seemed as if it were the biggest deal...the end of the world.
How ironic, older and grown, it took us four times to say ...at a count of three we would let go together.

Somethings are impossible to let go of, people and the memory of them, is just one of those such impossible things.

Monday, October 26, 2015

My Thousand Word Picture

A year ago I took this picture.

One year.

What a year it has been for me, for my family, immediate and extended.

They say a picture is worth one thousand words, and this is my one thousand word picture. It represents the journey of my heart.

On a whirlwind trip I took our daughter out of school and we road tripped it to Maine to visit and say good-bye to my grandpa, Grumps. He died three weeks later. We had a great visit. And, let me tell you that drive out of the driveway of their little home, knowing I would never again see him alive... well, words just diminish the enormity of such a moment. Macey and I pulled into a gas station and pulled it together, and reset...reset that the world was still going on regardless of what was going on inside us.

The rest of me, and my life has pretty much have been the same since before that day. Keep going. Fake it to make it. Pretend you are okay, while your best dreams are falling apart. While you are screaming to death inside...life doesn't stop for a second while you grieve for your losses.


All my years on the beach....I had never seen a starfish. It was beautiful! And it was hidden...the beach was littered in seaweed and fallen orange leaves. It could so easily have been missed, but we found it. Beauty in the middle of sorrow.


A year ago, I bonded with our daughter over a road trip to my childhood memories. She learned so much about the start of me, her mamma. Her innocence buffered the awkwardness of the goodbye for everyone else.

Further more when I left on that road trip I knew I was leaving a storm at home, that storm has continued to rage against the family created over a decade ago with whom I have always believed to be my True Companion.

It started out as the smallest of breezes...but hurricane strength winds have made the best attempts at destroying what I have loved the most.

Faith is relinquishing to the unknown. The future is unknown.

Whatever happens, God created all of us involved and he will work this for his glory. I know, and believe this.


I look at this one photograph of a starfish and feel the magic of the mundane that can so easily get lost in the day to day and the tragedies of life. Just like the monarch butterfly that landed on the hood of my car the other day while stopped at a busy, dirty intersection. I was crying and there was beauty flying in front of me and I wondered if that was God telling me it was going to be okay.


In one year I've said some pretty strong things that needed to be said. I've mended relationships that needed mending. I've made necessary house cleaning. Our family said goodbye to two special individuals and welcomed a new life. I've picked up my camera again. I've had the chance to reinvent myself in sorts. I've reconnected with God. My focus is set in the right place. I've made some really awesome friends and connections. People I loved reached milestone are reaching milestones; driving, gradation, 50 years of marriage.


Like a song that can take you back to a time in your life and connect you to a moment or person. This photograph is the sum of all that is important to me. I feel I have come full circle in happy moments...but I have come full circle in this sorrowful time.

I tell myself that in life... nothing good last forever and nothing bad last forever either.

I look at this image... and the breath catches in my chest... the pang inside is equally full and empty.

Beauty is everywhere, in the darkest and ugliest of places.

The good in the good-bye. God bless you my Grumps. God bless my true companion. God bless the memory of some amazing "Sunday Mornings." God bless the broken pieces so God can put things back the way he wishes, only better. God bless the misunderstood. God bless the answers we are finding. God bless my friends and family on this journey with me. God bless the sacred wounds that have awaken me.

There is so much beauty in unexpected places.

Thursday, October 22, 2015

Ribber Time

I did get the privilege to snag a little river "ribber" time with Macey last weekend. Paul brought me here to Derby Indiana the fall of 2003. We hit a deer, got so drunk, I feel in love with his family...and so many other amazing memories. I was smitten with this little hidden gem tucked away from most of the world. Mostly I was smitten with Paul, and his family.

This was Macey's decade year...she wanted me to come. It was bitter sweet.

But I have to have faith in the seeds of love that I have planted, cared for, water and sown. Some ties will never be broken...and maybe my love, and my little ribber girl will bind me to this special spot for all my days to come regardless of the outcome of this storm.

Thank you Payne family for such beautiful memories... I will treasure all these things. I've never taken a moment for granted... maybe there will be more to come, I sure hope so, because I love you all, this place, the tradition.

Here are a few favorite old post.... Papsy and his girl!

October 2010

Cousin time.

Albino deer...Papsy loved this!

Derby 2011

2006 on the river

Blue Heron Winery 2010

Maybe my favorite photo of the crooked cabin

Tracing Abe's steps while at the river.

Zip lining 2013

Macey's Tenth year!

Sunday, October 18, 2015

Sunday, October 11, 2015

You've Got Pics

Everyday I can count on at least one pics from my sister of my beautiful niece Lizzy, usually with a funny storie...and at all crazy times in the middle of the night. Here are a few...