Happiness

When depression comes to someone you love it has the ability to take you down as well.  "Depression is such a cruel punishment.  There are no fevers, no rashes, no blood test to send people scurrying in concern, just the slow erosion of self, as insidious as cancer.  And like cancer, it is essentially a solitary experience; a room in hell with only your name on the door."  - Martha Manning

While I don't necessary agree...when someone you love has a problem, depression or any addiction or affliction,  it domino effects to everyone who finds this person truly a cornerstone to their lives.  To think that one alone is irrelevant, is in the mind of someone who is truly depressed, not the ones that love them.    For in my experience they may want to be alone, however they are surrounded by ones who love them....even if it is only the dog...

I went outside with my camera looking for beauty somewhere on this gray Indiana day.  Funny how the only green thing left is our rose bush, thorns and all.  

Happiness is sometimes the decision you have to make for yourself and then just fight for it.  Aren't all the wonderful things that you hold so dear to your heart the things you have to fight for...even if you feel alone? The things you do as a  parents, for your own honor, for your marriage...

I guess the silver lining is that when you do fight the sorrows... you at least know how good you do have it when the days are dark and offer little hope for happiness.  For if you always had happiness would you recognize the true value of it when it was always there?

Last week we all actually sat down and ate dinner together as a family a great dinner!!!  Paul P. was spot on.  It was all I could ask for.  I will never again take the mundane routines of the everyday for granted. NEVER!  I would take these bleak Indiana winter days, no ocean in sight, cold weather, small home, just enough to pay the bills, food in the fridge, hugs from my kids, and simple happiness from my best friend.

This picture seems so fitting...the reflection from the outside in...  all the mess from the inside and out trying to muddy who I am.  Busy with all the things the kids need, what must be done, Christmas stuff, kitchen renovation, job demands, etc.  Remnants from the past strung along the landscape leaving a very unclear picture of reality.

Every flower has to grow through dirt, diamonds were once coal, sand turns into pearls, caterpillars grow up to be butterflies, and rainbows are found in the storm.  Trusting in my faith of my maker, he hasn't let me down yet.   I will choose happiness, my family, my marriage, and cannot wait to see the view from the mountain I am climbing right now because I know he will withhold no good thing.

Christmas Tree

For years I have been saying I wanted a beach themed Christmas tree!  I've got baskets and glass jars full of shells (memories).  This year in the middle of our kitchen renovation I splurged and bought a new tree...the one I had I bought when Gavin was 2 years old.  It was time.

 I purchased a couple of strands of twinkle lights and  broke out the shells with some glue, and glitter...finally accomplished  something I have put off for years... and the flood of memories that came,  I am in temporary bliss reliving them all.

I may be an Indy girl, but I am a beach girl at heart!

I could never grow tired of walking on the shores listening to the ebb and flow of the waves as they roll in.
  

The picture is from Gavin's very first trip to the ocean!!!!!

The tree is a work in process...but I found happiness in hanging each sea shell and reminiscing memories with my favorite people that walked bare feet in the sand with me over the years.

She's growing up...

Middle of Life

(I wrote this at the end of the summer 2013, and as personal  as it is to me I decided to share. I still feel this today, only more!)

I am exactly in the middle of my life.

When you are a child, your parents are in the middle of their lives.  I image, same as me, that in their twenties they thought they were in control of this roller coaster ride called life.  Anything they dreamed was possible!  They were enjoying new freedoms and proud to be able to make a home to call their own.

I image, same as me, that my parent's thirties were a blur or dirty diapers, lots of laundry, agonizing evenings of school projects and programs, and late nights at work.  I am sure the years flew by quickly, just as mine had.  They were forced to adjust with the ever changing advances of me and my sisters as we grew.  No doubt, like me they felt the boredom of the mundane everyday routines, and asked "Is this it?"

I am sure that my parents looked at us girls the same way I look at our kids.  I drink them in, mesmerized in their amazingness.  Nearly everything that I do is driven by my love towards them and the life I wish for them to have.  Do I take that job if it means less time with them, what school do I want them to attend, where should we live, etc.?  And, without question I give my children everything, just as my parents did for us girls.

Growing up we had no clue that we were the reason behind the graying hair that started to pepper their heads, and the dark circles under their eyes.  We didn't know we were robbing them of intimacy, missed opportunities, sleep, sacrifices and money.  I know they would do it all again, just as I would, because seeing your own face and actions mirrored in your children propels you forward.

Now I find myself at the start of a new decade, and this time I am in the middle.  Our children (now grandchild) and our parents (and my grandparents) are the bookends of our lives.  Perspectives have changed drastically, as I can see where I have been, and foresee what is in the future.  Wise enough now to see how precious and fleeting times carries on, and wishing I had some of it back to do over, or to just be in the moments when they occurred to enjoy them a little longer while they happened.

It's not so much the age, it is the placement.  It is watching everyone around you age; your parents, your kids, and not feeling any older yourself. I might feel it in my body some days, but never the soul.  The soul is oblivious to age.   The soul is timeless.

It is the hollow somewhere inside that you start to recognize because you know at some turn in the valley there will be goodbyes or see you laters.  From the beginning you teach your children to be independent, and all too quickly they will leave the home you have created for them, the one you started in your twenties when you believed time was on your side.  The thought of empty rooms that they now dwell in, is a suffocating concept.

It is when you are struck with the profound realization that while your parents always provided for you, when the time comes how are you going to provide for your parents?

Here I am , in the middle of my life.  Happy and grateful for the blessings that I have, but realizing that this ride has an end in which all of us must exit.  the hills and peaks of this roller coaster don't so much as coast, but take you on a ride in which you are hanging on to time, gripping white knuckled with both hands in hopes that there is still plenty of it.  More time to do the things you still have not gotten around to, more time with your kids while they still desire your presence, more times with all the ones that you love.  More time to do the things you dreamed to do once you finally know what it is that inspires you.

As I write this an image keeps playing in my head of a few fantastic hours I shared with my kids on the shores of Tybee Island a few weeks ago on vacation.  I watched my kids live in the moment!  they were laughing and smiling and to no one at all...they were just happy.  Gavin, who is now taller than me would wade out to almost his shoulders, turn his back on the waves outstretch his arms as far as he could and just fell back on their crest and rode them to shore.  That is how I am going to live the rest of this days, arms wide open around the ones I love, and happy for the moment!

Bliss..

Just arrived...having a beverage on the veranda we chilled on all week long!

This was my chair!  We would waive at all those who would pass by on the street below.

This was our kitchen where Paul cooked awesome fresh off the boat seafood!

I could move in right now, and leave all my belongings behind (expect for my photos).

Dolphin out in the sea as we walked St. George Island.  There were three, and they were so fast!

A dried out version of Patrick from Sponge Bob, I bought them home for Macey.

So much history in Apalachicola Florida.  I think this is what our place once looked like before it was restored.  

I did it!  I ate the small one.  At the Back Porch in Panama City Beach, Florida.  

Pier at Panama City Beach, Florida.

I loved this guy!  He would show off for me in the evening, and I would take his picture! 

Yummo!  Fresh off the boat, and cooked up in our kitchen.  I've been craving these all week!  

Cape San Blas, Florida...our favorite beach!  

Yuck!  All over the beach we visited, from Mexico, St. George and Cape San Blas.  They are called Mushroom Caps.  

Chef Paul cooks up my favorite, sea scallops!  

Last night in paradise!  

My friend Mr. Pelican was nowhere to be found the last night.  

Apalachicola, Florida

Grady Market Apalachicola, Florida

January

We went outside tonight while the temps were still mild. The next few days it will not even be above zero. It has been a cold winter, with lots of snow. I saw on the news last week that this is the 3rd snowest winter...1st place went to 1978, then 1996 and 3rd place is this winter. And to think it is only January. The kids have missed so much school because they just don't have it!

There have been times I wish I had my camera on hand this week. On Friday night I took the kids to a movie and I let Gavin invite his girlfriend. I couldn't take my eyes off of the two of them. As if by magic this little boy of mine had his arms around another person, and she rested her head on his head. They were cute. I found myself in wonderment of it all.

Time is such a funny thing. Here I am wishing this winter away to warmer days. On the same hand I look at my son. Next week we will sign him up for his freshman year of high school. The fact that he has a girlfriend and will be driving in his near future, I find myself willing to endure cold, dark, January days to keep him younger for as long as I can.

Dinner the fixer and answer to all problems...and how I know he loves us

I came across this photo and it made me think of this...

He would have dinner waiting for her....

If it is possible and he dies before any of us..there is not doubt in my mind that my husband will greet our loved ones with not only great food..but food they love. This is how I know he loves us all the time, even if it is not spoken.

I even tell this to our kids. If they watch, they will see it too. It is how I know after eleven years of being with my spouse that I see his love for not only me but towards anyone that is imporant to him.

I can count on it, like clock work, that if anyone of us should have a terrible, bad day our favorite meal will be awaiting us at the dinner table. It is his gift, and in return it is how he says "I love you, and it will all be alright!"