Often times I wonder what it would be like to entertain you, to be awarded the gift to have you in my presence in the form of a person like me. What would it be like to have you as a passenger in my car, or a guest for dinner, to have you sit silently with me as a friend on a summer’s night? Of all the significant people in my life, aside from my parents you have been with me since my first breath. Growing up my mom taught me the important prayers “Now I lay me down to sleep,” and “God is good, God is great let us thank him for the food we eat!” She took me and my sisters to church sometimes. But always, always, I have sought to follow you instinctively. Even when I strayed on my own, like an anchor tethered to my heart I always find my way back to you. You are my beginning and you will be my end.
Sadly, in the past when I think of what it would be like in your presence I would always want to ask you a question. Which one would it be? Mostly they were selfish, things like why can’t I have that job, or that relationship, why are things not going my way? I realize how entitled and whiny I must sound sometimes. I am truly sorry.
At times I have been guilty of trying to follow all the rules that men imply, that churches preach and I would box myself in with judgement. Read the bible and pray. Show up to church every time the doors are open. This is surly how you get to Heaven. The Sunday Christians who shows up to church each week looking the part in the pew, but leaving the church showing nothing of your love the rest of the week.
Now I find myself at a crossroads in my life. Forty-two years old, and I never got it. I never understood what it was like to live by faith and it is the hardest thing that I have ever done!!! I have chosen things over you in the past. I’ve wasted my life chasing my hearts desires and have been left empty handed. The one single thing that I desired over everything is slipping through my fingers.
And it is okay….
Everything I have you have given to me, they are all blessings. I’ve been loved and have loved. I’ve got these awesome kids. I have never had to want for anything. You have gotten me this far and I can still hear you steady voice inside my head when the world and everyone else sings to a different tune. You are my true companion, my guide, my sound resolve, my strength comes from you.
If you showed up on my doorstep today, I would not ask you why. I would ask to take your picture to hang on our wall of fame…you deserve that above all. But how silly because I see you there in the images already; in the images of our children, my husband, the ocean, and the magnolia tree in the back yard... all gifts from you along the way to get me through this journey until I can go home. If you showed up in my presence I would just thank you! You can have it all, because it was always yours to begin with.
Amen
No comments:
Post a Comment