A Beautiful Mess

On the extremely difficult days I entertain two different fantasies. One of them goes like this; I would get into my car and return to our home two years ago. Two years before this bomb detonated in all our lives. Two years prior when dinner would be simmering on the stove and the other half of me would be awaiting me with a hug, a kiss and the story of his day. Two years ago when I could have OWNED every part in the demise that was mine before it became too little too late. Two years before when we would all gathered at the table for dinner, and planned our next trek out of the Haute. Rewind two years when we would fall into bed together, a tangle of limbs and bedding, bragging to one another how our life was "indeed good."

The other reverie my mind entertains would be to pack a single bag, my camera and drive away from Sunset Avenue.  Drive away from my perceived failures as if they never happened.  Put as many miles between me and my past as possible.  Follow the yellow lines on the pavement to the hope of a new beginning.  Preferable somewhere warm in the winter and with a palm tree in the front yard. Somewhere unfamiliar in which every street corner, restaurant and pub didn't hold a memory of how good and rich my life once was.  Somewhere that "everybody" doesn't know my name and who and what my story is.  Turn up the radio loud to drown out all the voices inside my head.  Sunroof open to the rush of sea salted air, letting it all blow away into the breeze.  Hide my tears behind tinted shades and ride the waves of a new life.

The lulling sound of my tires on pavement beckon me to a freedom, but I cannot leave the ones that I love the most.  The ones that I have built this life around..Paul P, Mike and Myrt.   Life has to be lived going forward so going back to relive both our histories just isn't a possibility.  Truth is, running would be doing me a great disservice.  Through life, circumstances, individuals, and situations I have awakened within.

A friend that I love asked me recently "If you could go back to what you had, but had to trade your relationship with God would you?"

It is so hard to turn your pain into power...and with faith I am on the edge of doing just that.

Because of this I have made amends with people that I needed to for so long.
Because of this my eyes are wide open to others and what they may be going through.
Because of this me and my kids are in church and we have powerful conversations about God, integrity, relationships, marriage, family, forgiveness and love.
Because of this my kids are closer.
Because of this I know who my true friends and family are.
Because of this I am teaching crazy, wild third graders at church.
Because of this...all my vacation time last year was to help someone.
Because of this I have gained respect.
Because of this I picked up my camera and seized an opportunity to do something I am passionate about.
Because of this my friendships have strengthen and  multiplied.
Because of this... my eyes are wide open to everyone and everything around me.

God works all things for good for those who love him.  I don't know how he is going to pull it off but I see his fingerprints all over our lives.  He is sustaining me.  He is slowly reveling to me the beauty in the middle of this mess...and I cannot wait to see his masterpiece within us.  I know if I can just keep my focus on him ...he is going to blow my mind and the lives of the ones I cannot leave behind.